DECEMBER 15, 2011 4:38PM
An Age Undreamed Of!: The Chronicles of Yew T'oub
Ah, winter. What is it about blustery rough cold and spectacular icy
landscapes that make you want to retreat to your warm hearths and read
tales of fantasy, sorcery and medieval quests?
Well, perhaps you're not the nerd I am, or perhaps you're turned off by the genre and its ugly paperback covers (a future topic). Or maybe instead of reading it you prefer to roll a dice and live it. Whatever the case may be, let me stitch together for you a fantasy epic you can enjoy, right here on Open Salon!
Be warned: to get through this you need to be tolerant of bad ranting, bad writing, bad screen grabs and, um, wacky crossovers of an unusual nature....
Now let the wall between worlds melt....
suspend all manner of disbelief, please...
and join me....
Now The Land and its people had a mighty guardian, a powerful Astral Wizard known as Uli John Roth. He was the Yew T'oub's protector, its shaman. He made the tide of its seas roll in reverse. Children gathered flowers in his name...
"his hippi powers are outstanding!!!!lol." was the cry of the Land. *
The people of Yew T'oub were happy with his benevolent stewardship and enjoyed prosperity and contentment. That is, of course, until The Night The Master Came:
The Master. A dread dark necromancer, with the ah, Staff of Power, or the evil Stick of Whosawhatsamama. He came to Yew T'oub after years of bitter exile to conquer the Land and place it under his evil reign. Despite the efforts of the Astral Wizard Uli John, he succeeded and used his black magic spells to turn the populace into soulless zombies, singing his praises while holding evil glowing orbs...
Uli John had apparently been destroyed.
There is a key to defeating The Master, but of course, all those who dared to speak it or attempt to discover it were immediately executed by his marauding armies of evil whosawhatsit toad creatures. One citizen of Yew T'oub was reputed to be chained to a dungeon for revealing secrets about The Master:
"i think it's LOL funny that when the evil dude's mask is removed, he looks like a nerdy German banker." **
Exit the first Book of the Chronicles of Yew T'oub, as the poor citizens of the Land are left without hope....
The Master, you see, in his zeal to impose rigid tyrannical order, has imposed draconian dress restrictions amongst the people: HATS. However, three individuals in this sleepy hamlet are at the forefront of a revolt. Some have called them Men Without Hats, but it is hardly an accurate appelation, as the group includes a slightly daft scullery wench:
And the troubadour of the group IS a man, but of the mighty race of the Duarough Kings of the North. Plus, he is with hat:
The trio of stalwarts have led a protest revolt, effectively Occupying their Hamlet Square with a dancing revelry.
But to their sorrow, they have learned that no Dance is Safe. The Master's armies have crushed the revolt, and they had to flee to the hinterlands to continue their struggle in hiding. They have undertaken a Quest to overthrow the Master...
Wow, they're really taking Game of Thrones in a different direction this season....***
But none of them were fighters. They needed a mighty warrior on their side. Who would join their Quest?
The Warrior.
The Fellowship travelled from the hinterlands to a remote backwater tavern, to seek out The Warrior. They found her, but she was destitute and hopeless. The Master's repressive rule plus some personal problems with an ex had led her to drown her sorrows in ale. She rebuffed them with laughter and menacing threats when they asked her to join their Fellowship; what did she care? She only wished to be left alone.
Unbeknownst to our protagonists, a secret assasin employed by The Master was sent to eliminate The Warrior. Worse; it was The Warrior's ex! Skulking in the corners of the tavern at that very moment when the Hatless met The Warrior, he observed the group disguised as a mystical interpretive-dancing tropical fish.
Finally, it was time - the assassin made his move!
Well, The Warrior awoke from her drunken depression. The hot cry of battle rang in her ears, her fury unsurmountable - her ex had not only broken up with her, but he had sold her out to The Master!
Do you doubt how the showdown turned out?
She IS The Warrior. And victory was hers...
And that was all it took for The Warrior to swear bloody vengeance upon The Master, and join The Fellowship of the Hatless.....
On horseback through a treacherous path they headed to the Westlands. However, during the journey they came across a troubadour rogue named K.C.
Wary of this stranger, by all looks a roadside thief, they nonetheless decided to allow him to share their campfire and travel with them for part of the route. The very night they met him, they heard his tale by fireside...
K.C. had recently lost his merry Sunshine Band of companions to marauding hordes in the service of The Master. He had escaped by raft as his companions fell. He had lost consciousness on the raft, and was awakened by a strange water sprite.
The water sprite led him from the raft to a strange manse so that he could fulfill his outlaw mission and honor the memory of his fallen Sunshine Band.
The mission: to rescue sexy unicorns and other creatures from an evil slaver.
Not only did he gain entrance to the mansion, but he used his dazzling skills of minstrelry to distract the evil slavers:
Effectively rescuing the sexy unicorns:
and leading them through a magic portal back to their own world...
The Fellowship of the Hatless recognized that K.C. was a superb tracker and sneak thief. They knew these skills would aid them in their war against The Master. K.C. fronted a selfish facade, but they recognized his heart of gold.
The Fellowship of the Hatless grew by one.
The Westlands were feared and spoken of in awe by the people of Yew T'oub. Mostly a dense forest, it was rumored to be populated by mighty Druid Sorcerers. What key did they have to destroy The Master? Why did The Master fear them?
And what special role did fledgling Druid Queen (and NYC Freestyle diva) Shannon have to play in this epic?
Shannon had of late been content to commune with the gods of nature and practice her magic arts in solitude. Alas, like The Warrior, love and heartbreak were soon to enter her life in the form of an ex-lover, an apprentice Druid.
(Note that his rank within the Druid Brotherhood is denoted by his unique coiffed rattail mullet, not fully visible in this bad screen grab).
At first Shannon was overjoyed that her lover returned. He even bore the locket she had given him back when they were lovers, a token of both her affection and her power as a Druid Queen.
However, she sensed something was off. He was obsessive, sinister, constantly invading her privacy via magic scrying pool....
and using the power of Shannon's magic amulet to teleport behind her and uncomfortably stalk her...
Shannon sensed the darkness within him, the darkness that corrupted his magic, darkness that threatened to consume her as well...and, communing with the nature gods that she worshipped, she learned the name of its source.
The Master.
It was time to for her to act, by ripping off the magic amulet from her lover's neck, and focusing its power:
As though she had rolled a very favorable number in a dice-based role playing game favored by virgin males, Shannon transformed into her Highest Druid Queen self, the very pinnacle of power:
Her ex-lover was, of course, in deep Orc-feces. Hell hath no fury like a super she-wizard stalked. Twisting time and space, she used her sorcery to punish the ex-lover in a timeless pop-lock loop of insanity where he was continuously assaulted by his own detached mulleted head, singing her electronically distorted song lyrics at him for all eternity....
But what now? She learned of the threat consuming The Land of Yew T'oub - how could she alone hope to confront The Master's evil?
*Yew T'oub citizen YNGWIESMOKEDJESUS
Well, perhaps you're not the nerd I am, or perhaps you're turned off by the genre and its ugly paperback covers (a future topic). Or maybe instead of reading it you prefer to roll a dice and live it. Whatever the case may be, let me stitch together for you a fantasy epic you can enjoy, right here on Open Salon!
Be warned: to get through this you need to be tolerant of bad ranting, bad writing, bad screen grabs and, um, wacky crossovers of an unusual nature....
Now let the wall between worlds melt....
suspend all manner of disbelief, please...
and join me....
The Chronicles of Yew T'oub
Book I: The Rise of The Master
There does exist a Land and an age beyond your ken. A Land and an
age of marvels, governed by the non-logic of the magic arts, of folk who
lived simple lives free of pollution and technology. This
Land consisted of many kingdoms and otherworldly creatures,
but collectively it is known as Yew T'oub.Now The Land and its people had a mighty guardian, a powerful Astral Wizard known as Uli John Roth. He was the Yew T'oub's protector, its shaman. He made the tide of its seas roll in reverse. Children gathered flowers in his name...
"his hippi powers are outstanding!!!!lol." was the cry of the Land. *
The people of Yew T'oub were happy with his benevolent stewardship and enjoyed prosperity and contentment. That is, of course, until The Night The Master Came:
The Master. A dread dark necromancer, with the ah, Staff of Power, or the evil Stick of Whosawhatsamama. He came to Yew T'oub after years of bitter exile to conquer the Land and place it under his evil reign. Despite the efforts of the Astral Wizard Uli John, he succeeded and used his black magic spells to turn the populace into soulless zombies, singing his praises while holding evil glowing orbs...
Uli John had apparently been destroyed.
There is a key to defeating The Master, but of course, all those who dared to speak it or attempt to discover it were immediately executed by his marauding armies of evil whosawhatsit toad creatures. One citizen of Yew T'oub was reputed to be chained to a dungeon for revealing secrets about The Master:
"i think it's LOL funny that when the evil dude's mask is removed, he looks like a nerdy German banker." **
Exit the first Book of the Chronicles of Yew T'oub, as the poor citizens of the Land are left without hope....
Book II: The Fellowship of the Hatless
The repressive dark reign of The Master is in full swing. But fear
not! Stout, courageous hearts are daring to rise up against evil! A
Fellowship has gathered in a small Yew T'oubian hamlet. This
Fellowship, however, is hardly obsessed with jewelry accessories. Their
concern is hats. The Master, you see, in his zeal to impose rigid tyrannical order, has imposed draconian dress restrictions amongst the people: HATS. However, three individuals in this sleepy hamlet are at the forefront of a revolt. Some have called them Men Without Hats, but it is hardly an accurate appelation, as the group includes a slightly daft scullery wench:
And the troubadour of the group IS a man, but of the mighty race of the Duarough Kings of the North. Plus, he is with hat:
The trio of stalwarts have led a protest revolt, effectively Occupying their Hamlet Square with a dancing revelry.
But to their sorrow, they have learned that no Dance is Safe. The Master's armies have crushed the revolt, and they had to flee to the hinterlands to continue their struggle in hiding. They have undertaken a Quest to overthrow the Master...
But none of them were fighters. They needed a mighty warrior on their side. Who would join their Quest?
Book III: Taking Aim at the Confines of Aortal Pain
Now I'll wager you expected some beefy limbed, long haired sword
wielding barbarian lout to show up, right? Sorry to disappoint - this
epic is not a Boys Only club. The Fellowship of the Hatless knew none
other than the most dangerous warrior in the Land of Yew T'oub would
do. A warrior so fierce, so skilled, so feared that she was known only
as......The Warrior.
The Fellowship travelled from the hinterlands to a remote backwater tavern, to seek out The Warrior. They found her, but she was destitute and hopeless. The Master's repressive rule plus some personal problems with an ex had led her to drown her sorrows in ale. She rebuffed them with laughter and menacing threats when they asked her to join their Fellowship; what did she care? She only wished to be left alone.
Unbeknownst to our protagonists, a secret assasin employed by The Master was sent to eliminate The Warrior. Worse; it was The Warrior's ex! Skulking in the corners of the tavern at that very moment when the Hatless met The Warrior, he observed the group disguised as a mystical interpretive-dancing tropical fish.
Finally, it was time - the assassin made his move!
Well, The Warrior awoke from her drunken depression. The hot cry of battle rang in her ears, her fury unsurmountable - her ex had not only broken up with her, but he had sold her out to The Master!
Do you doubt how the showdown turned out?
She IS The Warrior. And victory was hers...
And that was all it took for The Warrior to swear bloody vengeance upon The Master, and join The Fellowship of the Hatless.....
Book IV: The Last Unicorns of Disco
Our Fellowship fled the tavern and progressed in search of an
ultimate weapon to end the power of The Master. The Warrior had heard
rumors of a forest to the Westlands of Yew T'oub, where magic might be
found to match The Master's eldritch might. On horseback through a treacherous path they headed to the Westlands. However, during the journey they came across a troubadour rogue named K.C.
Wary of this stranger, by all looks a roadside thief, they nonetheless decided to allow him to share their campfire and travel with them for part of the route. The very night they met him, they heard his tale by fireside...
K.C. had recently lost his merry Sunshine Band of companions to marauding hordes in the service of The Master. He had escaped by raft as his companions fell. He had lost consciousness on the raft, and was awakened by a strange water sprite.
The water sprite led him from the raft to a strange manse so that he could fulfill his outlaw mission and honor the memory of his fallen Sunshine Band.
The mission: to rescue sexy unicorns and other creatures from an evil slaver.
Not only did he gain entrance to the mansion, but he used his dazzling skills of minstrelry to distract the evil slavers:
Effectively rescuing the sexy unicorns:
and leading them through a magic portal back to their own world...
The Fellowship of the Hatless recognized that K.C. was a superb tracker and sneak thief. They knew these skills would aid them in their war against The Master. K.C. fronted a selfish facade, but they recognized his heart of gold.
The Fellowship of the Hatless grew by one.
Book V: Grant Me This 'Eve
Who or what, exactly, was the Fellowship seeking in the Westlands?The Westlands were feared and spoken of in awe by the people of Yew T'oub. Mostly a dense forest, it was rumored to be populated by mighty Druid Sorcerers. What key did they have to destroy The Master? Why did The Master fear them?
And what special role did fledgling Druid Queen (and NYC Freestyle diva) Shannon have to play in this epic?
Shannon had of late been content to commune with the gods of nature and practice her magic arts in solitude. Alas, like The Warrior, love and heartbreak were soon to enter her life in the form of an ex-lover, an apprentice Druid.
(Note that his rank within the Druid Brotherhood is denoted by his unique coiffed rattail mullet, not fully visible in this bad screen grab).
At first Shannon was overjoyed that her lover returned. He even bore the locket she had given him back when they were lovers, a token of both her affection and her power as a Druid Queen.
However, she sensed something was off. He was obsessive, sinister, constantly invading her privacy via magic scrying pool....
and using the power of Shannon's magic amulet to teleport behind her and uncomfortably stalk her...
Shannon sensed the darkness within him, the darkness that corrupted his magic, darkness that threatened to consume her as well...and, communing with the nature gods that she worshipped, she learned the name of its source.
The Master.
It was time to for her to act, by ripping off the magic amulet from her lover's neck, and focusing its power:
As though she had rolled a very favorable number in a dice-based role playing game favored by virgin males, Shannon transformed into her Highest Druid Queen self, the very pinnacle of power:
Her ex-lover was, of course, in deep Orc-feces. Hell hath no fury like a super she-wizard stalked. Twisting time and space, she used her sorcery to punish the ex-lover in a timeless pop-lock loop of insanity where he was continuously assaulted by his own detached mulleted head, singing her electronically distorted song lyrics at him for all eternity....
But what now? She learned of the threat consuming The Land of Yew T'oub - how could she alone hope to confront The Master's evil?
Book VI: HAAAALP! I GOT NOTHING!
Yep, I really got nothing. How do I finish this story?
*Yew T'oub citizen YNGWIESMOKEDJESUS
**Yew T'oub citizen tsartodd
***Yew T'oub citizen playadel2001
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Comments
Nerdy German Bankers are the Evil Villians in my series!! ~:D
ahhh return of the fett
This is completely made
of awesome! You need someone to turn into an owl and fly away like
David Bowie in "Labyrinth". Or at least add the theme song from "The
Neverending Story". Whatever happened to Limahl, anyway? :)
Jumpin' Jehosaphat this
is epic. I will have to think on this and try to help you with a
suitable ending. So many possibilities!
Okay. I've been
thinking on this and thinking on this (yeah, I know, weird right) in
between doing other things and here's what I got. I think Shannon and
The Warrior and their two lovers (sorry, can't keep em straight) should
say screw this, life's too short. They should sell out their people, ask
the Master to represent them, form a singing group a la ABBA, and head
to LA. They've got the look down more or less, and their first single
could be called Druid Queen. I know it's not much but I can't think of
any other way to wrap this up and those mullets deserve to be seen by a
wider audience.
Those are some wild and
crazy videos! I am a big fan of "The Safety Dance" by Men with Hats.
Bizarre video, but fun song. I'm not sure how to end your story.
@Tink - Maybe I should have called him Juerg The Master, or Hans The Master, Dark Lord of the Outer Deutsche Banks?
@trig - I recall the fett movement here on OS but never quite grasped the concept... but I'm glad my post qualifies in whatever way possible
@Midwest Muse - I completely forgot about Limahl, shame on me, because he had just about the most spectacular spiky New Wave mullet in history! Also, as I thought about all these 80's music videos with a very random Dungeons and Dragons theme, I almost feel like because "Neverending Story" comes directly from a fantasy film, it would have been too easy?
@Margaret - thank you! I really am stuck for an ending, and that could work. I figure evil music executives from Ye Olde LA would have to make some sort of appearance. And yes, if nothing else, make sure you watch the Shannon video - stalker dude's mullet is unearthly (and the screen grab can't capture its awesomeness. I also didn't know how to include the nearly naked modern dance couple into the story.)
@Erica K. - yep, Safety Dance is great. The thing is, as cheesy and bizarre and awful as these videos are, they're also great! At least someone had the imagination and originality to put this all together, and I suspect it's without ANY sort of irony.
Now, the Uli Jon Roth video is something just beyond my comprehension. I don't think my interpretation of events is correct - I think UJR and the people in the video are excited about the Master, who isn't the nerdy German banker. I remember seeing it on Beavis and Butthead, and being desperate to find out who and what that was (they didn't run the credits on it) - and then more than a decade later, thanks to Wikiopedia, I figured it out.
@trig - I recall the fett movement here on OS but never quite grasped the concept... but I'm glad my post qualifies in whatever way possible
@Midwest Muse - I completely forgot about Limahl, shame on me, because he had just about the most spectacular spiky New Wave mullet in history! Also, as I thought about all these 80's music videos with a very random Dungeons and Dragons theme, I almost feel like because "Neverending Story" comes directly from a fantasy film, it would have been too easy?
@Margaret - thank you! I really am stuck for an ending, and that could work. I figure evil music executives from Ye Olde LA would have to make some sort of appearance. And yes, if nothing else, make sure you watch the Shannon video - stalker dude's mullet is unearthly (and the screen grab can't capture its awesomeness. I also didn't know how to include the nearly naked modern dance couple into the story.)
@Erica K. - yep, Safety Dance is great. The thing is, as cheesy and bizarre and awful as these videos are, they're also great! At least someone had the imagination and originality to put this all together, and I suspect it's without ANY sort of irony.
Now, the Uli Jon Roth video is something just beyond my comprehension. I don't think my interpretation of events is correct - I think UJR and the people in the video are excited about the Master, who isn't the nerdy German banker. I remember seeing it on Beavis and Butthead, and being desperate to find out who and what that was (they didn't run the credits on it) - and then more than a decade later, thanks to Wikiopedia, I figured it out.
I was weeping --
WEEPING -- through parts of this (favourite bit: "A warrior so fierce,
so skilled, so feared that she was known only as...... The Warrior" ....
that and the bit about the "coiffed rattail mullet"). This whole
concept is great and so well executed.
I have no doubt that you'll come up with a great ending for this.
I have no doubt that you'll come up with a great ending for this.
This is epic and awesome Chiller! I love the photos too!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Ah, The warrior. I was wondering where the hell she went to.
Thanks Susie and Schopen! Happy holidays to you.
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