LEFT BEHIND - THE MOVIE
Released: 2000 (on video before a theatrical run)
Director:
Vic Sarin
Writers:
Alan B. McElroy,
Paul Lalonde, Joe Goodman, Tim LaHaye, Jerry B. Jenkins
Notable Cast:
Kirk Cameron,
Brad Johnson,
Janaya Stephens, Chelsea Noble
Plot:
Left Behind is the story of Buck Williams and Rayford Steele, two
gay porn stars righteous Christian heroes who turn from sin and see the light after all the people who are
true Christians are Raptured right on up to heaven.
Because those people are
better than you, and you deserve to suffer through years of strife and misery.
Meanwhile
lots of chaotic things happen and we learn the evil plot of Nicolae
Carpathia. And if you're smart you KNOW he's the evil Antichrist
because Carpathia implies spooooky, and that's much more subtle than
naming him Dracula McSatanpants.
Nicky Ural Mountains - err,
Carpathia also happens to be the UN Secretary General. Because duh!
Everyone knows the UN is a godless liberal front for the AntiChrist, and
they're coming to take your guns, your right to pray and your right to
say the Pledge of Allegiance before commencing a government sponsored
bake sale.
So Christian studs Buck and Rayford are all
organizing an underground of righteous believing Christians who are
gonna get right with God and stick their boot up the AntiChrist's ass.
Or something.
Commentary: My name is ChillerPop and I'm addicted to
Dominionist porn. That's right.
That
sheer adrenaline rush of incredulous WTF, anger and wrong entertainment
that I get when I read or watch narratives about the End Times from our
nation's evangelical right wing - it's
intoxicating.
And so, with
Nicholas Cage starring in a 2014 remake of Left Behind, which I'm very excited to see, I had to revisit the psychotronic 2000 version starring Kirk "Intelligent design
's bananas, yo!" Cameron.
Left Behind is really the lucrative invention of Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye, both members of
said evangelical, Dispensationalist right wing. And the books and this film is a whole bunch of silly gratification for that bunch.
There's
a lot of that Israel fetishism that Dominionists harbor. You can
witness a lecture from Cameron's character Buck Williams about lying and
the evils of moral relativism, after which he tells a lie in order to
infiltrate the AntiChrist's lair of evil, because it's
okay if you lie to the AntiChrist. There's hand-wringing adultery guilt, and a sexy adulteress played by Cameron's wife.
There's
atheists and secularists who just love Nicolae Carpathia, because duh!
And of course, there's Christian persecution. Tons of it.
Nothing much else to say about this movie. All I can do really is point you to the excellent book
Revelations: Visions, Prophecy, and Politics in the Book of Revelation
by Elaine Pagels, wherein you can read her solid argument that since
its inception, the Book of Revelations is a lot of dense symbolism and
imagery that helps people define and categorize a political "other" in
religious terms.
Otherwise, like I said, this movie,
these stories are Dominionist, Dispensationalist Christian
Reconstructionist fap material. Also for insane bloggers who enjoy
theological and political schaudenfraude. I'll stick to my habit and
write about it so that you don't have to.
What We're Afraid Of:
"We" are afraid of: religious freedom, freedom from religion, tolerance
of non Judeo Christian ideas, atheists, non-Christian faiths,
secularism, communism, socialism, anarchism, international co-operation,
the occult, world governments, liberalism, feminism, women with control
of their sexuality and reproduction, sinners, the gays, and much much
more.
"We" are not afraid of: The Devil. In fact, "we" luuuuv
the Devil because after all, you don't get Raptured if the Devil don't
make his move, so "we" kinda sorta need him, and plus, "we" told you so!
"We" told you he was real and he's gonna getcha!
"We" also
aren't afraid of Israel or Jews that aren't for Jesus, because "we" also
need them in order for Revelations to pass. And once the Rapture
happens, "we" won't have to worry about them ever again.
What I'm Afraid Of:
NOT
faithful Christians, or even literal believers in the Rapture who
nonetheless are kind, don't seek to limit others' rights through
legislation or misinformation, and understand that belief and faith are a
private and personal matter, and get on with life in a positive
manner.
Here are the things related to
Left Behind-The Movie that I am afraid of:
"Jews to the left, please. Jews for Jesus to my right. Thank you." Snarky comment, mine. Excerpt from
Glorious Appearing by Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye follows:
"When you see My throne, join those on My right, your left."
The words of Jesus were more than impressed on Rayford's heart. He had
actually heard them. He moved to his left without question, and as
waves of people moved both directions, suddenly the view before Rayford
became clear. Directly below and centered under the vast heavenly
hosts, saints, and angels, a great platform bore a throne on which
Jesus sat. Behind Him stood the three angels of mercy. On either side
of Him stood the archangels Michael and Gabriel.
Rayford knew instinctively that every living person on earth was gathered in that valley.
Chaim explained: "Half a billion or more were raptured seven years ago.
Half the remaining population was killed during the Seal and Trumpet
Judgments during the next three and a half years. Many more were lost
during the Vial Judgments, and millions of believers were martyred. What
you are looking at is probably only one-fourth of those who were left
after the Rapture. And most of these will die today."
Indeed, Rayford realized, those assembling on Jesus' right were scant compared to those on His left.
It took most of the morning for the masses to find their places and
settle. To Rayford it appeared that those to Jesus' left were puzzled at
best, frightened at worst.
Gabriel
stepped to the front of the platform and stretched out his arms for
silence. "Worship the King of kings and Lord of lords!" he shouted, and
as one the millions on both sides of the throne fell to their knees.
In a cacophony of languages and dialects they cried out, "Jesus Christ
is Lord!"
Those on the left of Jesus
began rising to their feet, while all around Rayford, everyone remained
kneeling. "Clearly two different groups here, eh, Chaim?"
"Actually three," the old man said. "Those are the 'goats' over there,
the followers of Antichrist who somehow survived to this point. You are
among the 'sheep' on this side, but I represent the third group. I am
part of Jesus' 'brethren,' the chosen people of God whom the sheep
befriended. We are the Jews who will go into the Millennium as
believers, because of people like you."
Gabriel was gesturing that all should stand. When everyone was in place and quiet, he spoke in a loud voice:
"John the revelator wrote: 'I saw an altar, and underneath it all the
souls of those who had been martyred for preaching the Word of God and
for being faithful in their witnessing.
"'They called loudly to the Lord and said, "O Sovereign Lord, holy and
true, how long will it be before You judge the people of the earth for
what they've done to us? When will You avenge our blood against those
living on the earth?"
....
The group to Jesus' left immediately fell to
their knees again and began shouting and wailing, "Jesus Christ is
Lord! Jesus Christ is Lord!"
Jesus stood and walked to the edge of the platform.
With anger and yet sadness, He said, "Depart from Me, you cursed, into
the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was
hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I
was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not
clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me."
The millions began shouting and pleading, "Lord, when did we see You
hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did
not minister to You?"
Jesus said,
"Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the
least of these, you did not do it to Me. You will go away into
everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."
"No! No! No!"
But despite their numbers and the dissonance of their bawling, Jesus
could be heard above them. "As the Father raises the dead and gives life
to them, even so the Son gives life to whom He will. For the Father
judges no one, but has committed all judgment to the Son, that all
should honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He who does not
honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent Him."
"We honor You! We do! You are Lord!"
"Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him
who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment,
but has passed from death into life.
"But My Father has given Me authority to execute judgment also, because I
am the Son of Man. I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and
My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the
will of the Father who sent Me."
"Jesus is Lord!" the condemned shouted. "Jesus is Lord!"
Gabriel stepped forward as Jesus returned to the throne. "Silence!" Gabriel commanded. "Your time has come!"
Rayford watched, horrified despite knowing this was coming, as the
"goats" to Jesus' left beat their breasts and fell wailing to the desert
floor, gnashing their teeth and pulling their hair. Jesus merely
raised one hand a few inches and a yawning chasm opened in the earth,
stretching far and wide enough to swallow all of them. They tumbled in,
howling and screeching, but their wailing was soon quashed and all was
silent when the earth closed itself again.
Everyone on the platform moved back into place, and from the throne
Jesus said, "Surely, as I have thought, so it shall come to pass, and as
I have purposed, so it shall stand."
Cool! Jesus can totally wipe out his enemies with his rad superpowers! That also includes the entire
UN Peace Keeping Force
armies of the AntiChrist. He can turn a battlefield into a torture
porn movie with the power of his voice, which makes him way cooler than
Jigsaw or Freddy Krueger:
“And with those very first words, tens of thousands of Unity Army soldiers fell dead, simply dropping where they stood, their bodies ripped open, blood pooling in great masses.”
“With every word, more and more enemies of God dropped dead, torn to pieces.”
“Rayford watched through binocs as men
and women soldiers and horses seemed to explode where they stood. It
was as if the very words of the Lord had superheated their blood,
causing it to burst through their veins and skin.”
“…and writhed
as they were invisibly sliced asunder. Their innards and entrails
gushed to the desert floor… their blood pooling and rising in the
unforgiving brightness of the glory of Christ.”
That right there would be the Holiest horror movie ever made since
The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre The Passion of the Christ.
R